Worst Jokes Ever

So I went to the doctor's and the doctor said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign."

So I said, "Aquarius."

And the doctor said, "Nah mate, you've got cancer."

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth-theist.

So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.

When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.

Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

Jesus created the T-pose first.

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school?

Because he's dead.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

How do you rape a feminist? Tell her you are a woman and she will let you do whatever. You won't even need to force it.

Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.

Tell someone to look in their shirt and spell attic. Hehe.

A man is with his friend in a bar.

The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"

Nervous, the man looks away.

The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."

The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."

"Wait, wha..."

"What?"

I was gonna tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."