Worst Jokes Ever

Chuck Norris can toss Jupiter at the Sun with his bare hands.

And he still cannot win a fighting match against Bruce Lee.

The earth used to be flat.

Till they buried yo mama.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression f**ks you harder.

Oooh, I fall apart. Oooh, yeah, mmhmm. She told me that I'm not enough, yeah, And she left me with a broken heart, yeah. She fooled me twice and it's all my fault, yeah. She cut too deep, now she left me scarred, yeah. Now there's too many thoughts goin' through my brain, yeah, And now I'm takin' these shots like it's Novocaine, yeah. Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought Never caught a feelin' this hard Harder than the liquor I pour Tell me you don't want me no more But I can't let go Everybody told me so Feelin' like I sold my soul Devil in the form of a whore Devil in the form of a whore You said it No, you said it No, you said it We'd be together Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought Ice keep pourin' and the drink keep flowin' Try to brush it off but it keep on goin' Covered in scars and I can't help showin' Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin' Ice keep droppin' and the drink keep flowin' Try to brush it off but it keep on goin' All these scars, can't help from showin' Whippin' in the foreign and the tears keep blowin', yeah Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, I fall apart Down to my core Oooh, didn't know it before Surprised when you caught me off guard All this damn jewelry I bought You was my shorty, I thought.

You could say Kobe's career went up in smoke.

My dog died. I'm so sad.

Why is a priest different from acne?

Acne waits to come on your face.

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

Why did an old man fall in a well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you know what else is violent? Suicide with me and you.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

I fucked your mom, oh wait, you don't have one.

If you take an emo kid grocery shopping.

You get to scan their wrists for discounts!

My Wife: How much do you love me??

Me: Count all the stars.

My Wife: Aww, infinity.

Me: No, a waste of time.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

A little girl said one day, "Grandma's gonna die tonight!" The next morning, the girl's grandmother's body was found.

That day she said again, "Grandpa's gonna die tonight!" Sure enough, the girl's grandfather died and his body was discovered the next morning.

That day she said, "Daddy's gonna die tonight." The girl's father was terrified. He lay shaking the entire night. Somehow, he survived until morning. His wife came into the room crying. He asked her why she was upset and she said that the postman had died last night.

Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.

The British: We drive on the left side of the road.

Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*

Ring.. Ring.. Yes this is Dave from the Orphanage, "you make 'em we take 'em", how may I be of service?

I heard a joke about chocolate.

It wasn’t that funny.

I just Snicker-ed.

Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.