Worst Jokes Ever
In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."
So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
When you're working in the Twin Towers and your computer connects to the airplane wifi.
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
What do bees brush their hair with?
A honeycomb.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
In the morning, I become a cereal killer.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
Do you know about the new movie Disney made just for cancer kids? It's called Finding Kemo.
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
Why are there a lot of whites in hockey?
It’s the only other job that involves beating something black other than being a cop.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.
What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.