Worst Jokes Ever
What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?
There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
What is a gay person’s favorite book?
The dictionary.
I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.
What did the Queen Bee say to the other bees? "Beehive yourselves!"
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
What do astronauts eat off of? A satellite dish.
Two husbands walk into a bar.
The first one says, "My wife is an angel."
The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The 9/11 terrorists went through like 78 stories in 7 seconds.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?
The wiener.
Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.
Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.
The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”
As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.
what did the woman do after meeting up with a rapist?
sue the dating site for matching her with him.
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.
What is the difference between a snow woman and a snowman?
Snowballs.
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
What do you call a paralyzed turtle?
Shell shocked.