Worst Jokes Ever
Death once had a near Chuck experience.
A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"
The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"
The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"
The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."
I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.
So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"
When Santa asks you what you want for Christmas, then says "ho ho ho," say, "Yes, please."
My life is a joke.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not coming anyways.
Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"
Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"
I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.
A panda walks into a bar. He asked the bartender for a sandwich and then proceeds to shoot him, then leaves the bar. Later on, after asking witnesses, the police track down the panda and take him to the station. They question him and ask, “Why’d you do it?” The panda replied, “It’s what pandas do, look it up.” So they did, they went on Wikipedia, and there it was: Pandas eat shoots and leaves.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?
They both died with red rings.
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
What is a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
Before the first period.
I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."