Worst Jokes Ever
When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.
If it's true what they say and I quote, "God never gives you more than you can handle," then you should pray to those who didn't, that God gave them a body strong enough to survive the attempt.
Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?
Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "You forgot the remote!"
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
A man is walking on a bridge and sees a lady over the railing.
Man: "Ah, suicidal eh? Are you gonna jump?" Lady: "Yep. I hate this world." Man: "Well, if you're gonna die, can we have sex before you jump?" Lady: "Hell no! You creep!" Man: "Ok, fine. I guess I'll just wait until your corpse washes onto the shore."
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
He's not really dead, his update failed.
What is the difference between an old chest and a kid? One doesn't cry when you drop it in the basement.
Q: Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
A: There was a face off in the corner.
Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T
How do you count cows? -- With a cowculator.
What is a skeleton's favorite instrument?
A trom-bone 😂
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Why couldn't Helen Keller eat her Big Mac?
She was too busy trying to read the sesame seeds.
Suicide gives you security for the future.
Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.
A 10-year-old: "I don't want to smile without having a reason to. People shouldn't think I'm happy 24/7."
A 10-year-old, a week later: "Damn... my life is shitty..."
<2 years later> 12-year-old: "What is de-pre-ssion?" *googles it*
Now 14-year-old: "Oh..."
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
What's the difference between Hitler and a feminist?
At least Hitler actually did something.