Worst Jokes Ever
I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3
I heard that Jimmy Savile never wanted to be famous... All he ever wanted was to settle down, and have kids.
What is a glory hole at the adult book store used for?
Campaign contributions to the Republican Party.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -- A stick.
Why did the skeleton not rob the bank?
He did not have the guts!
Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
Why didn't the toilet paper make it across the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?
Chuck Norris and Time had a race.
Result: Time is still running...
What does a cannibal call people in water?
Sea food.
What type of tape do kidnappers use?
Abduct-Tape.
What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them?
Roses are red, violets are blue, You think violets are blue, what the hell is wrong with you?
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail? -- To the retail store!
It's funny how Stephen Hawking sounds like Stephen walking or Stephen talking, but he can't do any of those things.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
How do you circumcise someone from Alabama?
Kick his sister's jaw.
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"