Worst Jokes Ever
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."
Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the Statue of Liberty? The statue stands for something.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one that had a dream got shot.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.
brb makin' tic tac toe boards on myself.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in only three moves.
How do bitches talk about body positivity when they have no body to even be positive about?
The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died?
To be honest, she was on the whole dashboard too.
When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.
A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.
Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.