A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard.
I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
...so I threw a dictionary at him.
Who do you think is the fastest reader? Incorrect. It's 9/11. It went through 100 stories in 2 seconds.
I got sent out of a library for putting a women's rights book in the fiction section.
The broccoli says, "I look like a small tree." The mushroom says, "I look like an umbrella." The walnut says, "I look like a brain." And the banana says, "Can we please change the subject?"
I have a fish that can breakdance only for 20 seconds, and he can only do it once.
A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "No, you'd never bring it back!"
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Susie.
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?
Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!
What's black, has four wheels, and sits at the top of the stairs?
Steven Hawking after a house fire.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
Suicide is never the answer.
Suicide is the question.
The answer is yes.
When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters
'PNEIS'
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'SPINE' are doctors.
Crush: "How much do you love me?"
Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."
Crush: "But it's morning."
Me: "Exactly."
What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing to do on guitar?
Fingering A minor.
I gave a blind kid a gun, telling him it was a hair drier.
