Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
The joke above me sucks.
Donald Trump is proud of being white, which is strange, considering he's orange. Makes you wonder why he didn't pull a Michael Jackson and bleach his own skin....
Why doesn’t the US want to play chess with the UK?
The US is already down 2 towers, and the UK has an unkillable queen.
What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Why does Donald Trump have a fervent crush on the Russian president?
He is Putin his dick where it don't belong!
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.
What's bigger than the Milky Way?
Michael Jackson's nose.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
A depressed boy went to high five a tree, guess what the tree did?
The tree left him hanging.
When the guy next to you says that he kind of agrees with the villain.
Me watching a World War 2 documentary.
How Chinese is COVID? About the same as those red MAGA hats made in China.
Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?
Because their meat has to be in bread.
Why was Wacko Jacko willing to write a song for the film Free Willy?
He thought that the film's title was a nice phrase to yell out in primary school playgrounds.
Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.
Student: Which end?
In English class, the teacher says, "Kids, you need to say the alphabet. Okay, Sally, you first." Sally says, "Okay, a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z." The teacher says, "Good job, Sally." Then the teacher called on four other students who got it right. Then the teacher called on Little Johnny. The teacher says, "Little Johnny, say the alphabet." Little Johnny says, "b c e f g h i j k l m n o p s v w x y z." The teacher says, "No, Johnny, that's not right." Johnny says, "Oh, I forgot, u r a q t." The teacher says, "No, still not right, and thank you." Johnny says, "Oh, I’ll give you the d later." The class laughs and the teacher says, "Go to the office now."
