Worst Jokes Ever
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?
Because Muslims don't like pigs!
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
"I'm thinking about killing off the main character in this book I'm writing."
"What type of book is it?"
"An autobiography."
"What do we want?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!"
The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Yo mama so fat, when she bought a fur coat a whole species went extinct.
Who are the fastest readers? The victims of 9/11. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
Dark humor is a lot like food.
Not everyone gets it.
Islamist guys and American Christian right-wing guys are both similar in that both abhor the existence of gay people, but only the Christian Right loves to eat sausages, especially the little ones, if you know what I mean...
A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."
Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."
Why can't Hitler join track?
Because he can't even finish a race.
what do you call it when you get married in Panera Bread?
Panera Wed.
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."