Worst Jokes Ever
I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".
If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".
If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".
Michael Jackson was on a boat with a bunch of children. The boat captain comes up to him and says, "Michael, we've come into some trouble and the boat is about to sink. We need to get off the boat right now." "But what about the children?" The captain said, "F*** them." Michael Jackson responded, "Is there enough time?"
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.
But the tree left him hanging.
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a person with Down syndrome in the military?
Special Forces.
Why were the people in the Twin Towers such good readers?
They went through 110 stories in 10 seconds.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
Osama Bin Laden is his name.
Crashing planes is his game.
How is slavery different from Pokémon?
There are different types of Pokémon.
On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?
"F" stand for family, that's why "orphan" is spelled with "ph."