Worst Jokes Ever
I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.
What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?
Gonorrhea.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
... is a sphere itself.
I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.
I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.
Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!
What pizza did the Twin Towers order?
A plain one.
Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.
Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.
But the tree left him hanging.
What school subject does an orphan love?
PE because they actually get picked.
My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.
Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."
Students: "oof"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Yeah, your parents."