Worst Jokes Ever
I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.
There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".
If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".
If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
... is a sphere itself.
Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?
A hoedown.
What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?
Gonorrhea.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"
Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.
But the tree left him hanging.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
What pizza did the Twin Towers order?
A plain one.
What school subject does an orphan love?
PE because they actually get picked.