Worst Jokes Ever
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.
Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.
Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
... is a sphere itself.
Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."
Students: "oof"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Yeah, your parents."
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic.
My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":
Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
What do sped gymnasts wear?
A Reotard.
My doctor gave me 1 year. So I shot him.
The judge gave me fifteen. Problem solved!
What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!
Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.
Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.
What school subject does an orphan love?
PE because they actually get picked.
I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.
I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.
What pizza did the Twin Towers order?
A plain one.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.