Worst Jokes Ever
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic.
How come I have a father but not a dad?
He was a priest.
How do you cure a ginger?
Chemotherapy.
What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?
They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"
What do you call a Chinese rich man? Cha-ching!
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they have no one to call daddy.
What do cows listen to on headphones?
moo-sic.
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
Why can’t orphans go on school field trips?
Parent Signature: _______
This guy looked down the aisle and asked, "Hey, are those kids all yours?" And I replied: "No, I work for a condom company, and these kids are just all of my complaints."
What's an orphan's least favorite film? Family Guy.
I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.
In honor of Diddy:
The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!
I hear Cornell produces very dedicated farmers; they’ll plow a field all night long no matter how much resistance she gives ’em.
What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
Once there were three girls taking a walk in the mountains. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and the other was a dumb blonde. They came to a cliff and the brunette said, "If you jump off that cliff and say what you want to be you will become it." So the brunette jumped off and said "falcon" and became a falcon. The redhead jumped off and said "eagle" and became an eagle. The dumb blonde ran, was about to jump, but tripped on a rock, and said "crap."
A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”
Roses are red, you are gay, and that's it.