Worst Jokes Ever

When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.

What do vacuums and your mom have in common?

They both suck.

What's an orphan's favorite part in the Wizard of Oz?

When Dorothy says, "There's no place like home."

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

I showed my girlfriend my taser. She was stunned.

When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.

Michael Jackson was on a boat with a bunch of children. The boat captain comes up to him and says, "Michael, we've come into some trouble and the boat is about to sink. We need to get off the boat right now." "But what about the children?" The captain said, "F*** them." Michael Jackson responded, "Is there enough time?"

A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.

I have a dog named Syndrome.

But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout, "DOWN SYNDROME!"

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.

What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?

A hoedown.

What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?

Gonorrhea.