Worst Jokes Ever

I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.

Michael Jackson was on a boat with a bunch of children. The boat captain comes up to him and says, "Michael, we've come into some trouble and the boat is about to sink. We need to get off the boat right now." "But what about the children?" The captain said, "F*** them." Michael Jackson responded, "Is there enough time?"

I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".

If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".

If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".

What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut, you fucking racist.

The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

Cheer up! Old age doesn't last that long!

The only thing flat earthers have to fear...

... is a sphere itself.

What pizza did the Twin Towers order?

A plain one.

What school subject does an orphan love?

PE because they actually get picked.

My teacher said, "I'm gonna leave soon, I don't want to be here anymore!" So I shot her.

What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic.

Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."

Students: "oof"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Yeah, your parents."

What do you do when you finish a magazine at school? Put another one in and continue!