Told jokes

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

Why am I so successful?

When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

I walked into an orphanage and a kid was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said some kids were bullying him. I told him to go tell his parents.