Told jokes

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

I gave a blind kid a hand grenade and told him it's a beyblade.

I told my therapist I feel suicidal. He charged me in advance.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

Why am I so successful?

When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"