Told jokes

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

Why am I so successful?

When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

I walked into an orphanage and a kid was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said some kids were bullying him. I told him to go tell his parents.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"