Told jokes

Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.

So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

Why am I so successful?

When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I gave a blind kid a hand grenade and told him it's a beyblade.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

I walked into an orphanage and a kid was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said some kids were bullying him. I told him to go tell his parents.

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."