Told jokes

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.

She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I walked into an orphanage and a kid was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said some kids were bullying him. I told him to go tell his parents.

The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.

My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.

One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.

An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

I gave a blind kid a hand grenade and told him it's a beyblade.

My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"

The terrorists both say, "A beer."

The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"

One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"