My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"
I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.
"Let go of my nose!"
A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.
The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.
That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."
I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!
My dad told me I'm a failure.
I failed a math test.
Good thing there's a pole outside my house.
Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."
She said, "Who's there?"
I said, "I Eat eat my mop."
She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."
I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes.
The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."
An orphan uses a family bathroom, and when he comes out, he gets told, "This is a family bathroom."
Why am I so successful?
When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.
I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.
I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.
Now I can’t get it to shut up.
A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.
The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."
The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."
My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.
My 19-year-old girl killed a butterfly. I said no butter for you.
She then she killed a cockroach. I told her nice try.
My wife told me I could never, ever build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
I walked into an orphanage and a kid was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said some kids were bullying him. I told him to go tell his parents.
The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.
Two boys were at a lake, and they went to a bush and saw a naked lady.
One ran away, the other one followed the one who ran and asked why he ran. The boy answered, "My mum told me if I saw a naked lady I would turn to stone. I ran away because I felt something get hard."
