Today

Today jokes

Post

    • Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!

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    • Today memes

    Bird

    • My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

    That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

    Restaurant

    • If someone calls you, just say:

    "This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"

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    • Job

    • There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

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    • Infant

    • My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

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    • Penguin

    • One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.

    The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”

    The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”

    The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”

    So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.

    The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”

    The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”

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    • Suicide

    • I went to Starbucks today and they asked what I wanted, and I replied with "to die, a shot of bleach, and an deppresso expresso."

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    • Van

    • Today we had the best adventure ever! We started playing in the yard and doing ramps in a party van!

    It all started when Timmy and I were playing in the yard and a white rusty van drove up to our yard. A nice man told us to get in. We said we would love to go, but our mommies wouldn't want us to go. The man said your mommies told me it was OK to come.

    We hopped in the back and sped away super fast! The man gave us some candy, but Timmy and I were not hungry, so we didn't eat it. We saved it for later. After a while, I was wondering where we were going. I was about to ask the man, but then there was a whooping sound and some flashing blue lights! "Hey they want to party with us!" Timmy yelled over the whooping. "Party van!" I yelled.

    Timmy and I started dancing and whooping and the van began driving faster, doing crazy race car stunts, and jumps! Then we noticed the lights and whooping were coming from some cars that were following us. The cars were black and white and said "P O L I C E” on the side.

    We started to wave to them, but then the van did a HUGE jump and we flew out of the back of the van to the side of the road into some dirt, but it didn't really hurt that much. The van drove off without us, and I was really sad. Then Timmy told me the dirt was perfect for making mud pies. I was happy again. We played in the dirt awhile, until some people dressed like firefighters found us and brought us home. And then you asked me what happened. "Isn’t that right mommy?"

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    • Sister

    • Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

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