You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them just answer the phone and say "Pizza Hut abortion clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey
Therapist: so what brought you here today? wife: he's too literal Therapist: and you sir? husband: my truck
So today is my birthday today am 13 but yesterday am going to turn 10.but am not even go to school to know the number ten becuase one time at 10 pm in the morning it was so cold in in my hot room so I want outside to drive my car to drive my car. But I stopped becuase the light turn green.i was talking a bath in the front of my car out it didn’t have bin so am taking a sh$t
Quiet kid: "I'm home!" Parents: "What did you learn at school today?" Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy.
I bought a gun from Walmart today. I guess they knew what I was going to do with it, because when I pulled the gun on the cashier, I realized the firing mechanism was in reverse.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. -- I now have $999,999.75.
A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid
Man: Hang in there! Im gonna get some help!
Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said
RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)
Daniel commited suicide five years ago today......
i was walking today and i saw a emo with a noose looking up at a tree i simply said " hang on there bud!"
So I went to my friends funeral today, As we were all leaving a kid put a get well soon card next to my friends grave ‘poor kid’
On a hot summers day a famous celebrity tweeted " it is a beautiful day and I`m deciding which kid to have fun with today" to which the local priest replied " I too am deciding which of your kids to have fun with today".
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1 ply toilet roll
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
Today a child asked if I was an angle, I asked why and he said "mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."
My friend was feeling low today so I went up to her and said "You know I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life" I don't think she likes me now
The weirdest thing happend to me today i was driving 50mph and hit a speedbump aand it screamed
Today was a bad day. First My ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver
Today I gave a blind kid a gun and told him it was a hair dryer. The police thought it was suicide since I have no fingerprints, wow I’m so nice taking care of the disabled
