Today Jokes

Why did the sperm cross the road ———— because I put on the wrong sock today

Today i find out that my cat got hit by a car accident, wellp i guess im gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again, Its not like anyone will notice.

RIP Stephan Hawking who was buried today.......he did always love black holes.

Motivational Quote for today: if you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...

(True story) Today I was bring some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “oh, now they’re broken.” And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

“Poor old fool,” thought the gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. He invited the old man inside for a drink. The gentleman asked, “So how many have you caught today?

”The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

I wrote an essay today about africa and I FAILED even though i wrote a perfect rendition of the hunger games storyline

Today I was at PE and I saw a kid in a wheel chair I threw a basketball at him and I yelled rocket league.

today when i looked in the mirror i stopped and simply said: it's ok what's inside matters the most. right?

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today. Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow? Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you. Orphan: Why? Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it it was quite strange until i realised it was Alfies mum

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said thanks for visiting.

Today I put the women’s rights book in the fantasy section of a library

I got in trouble at school today because i told the teacher at school with covid to stay postive

My bother apparently has this thing called "asthma", anyways I took his vape away today and he was lying on the floor gasping for air lol. He must really be addicted to it.

Today I was at the Apple Store when I saw that a lot of phones were broken. When I looked around I saw none other than Pristiano Penaldo smashing all the phones. He said he was mad because he ghosted vs a relegation team. Shame on you Penaldo!