Today

Today jokes

Sister

    • Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

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    • Cockroach

    • My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

    She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

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    • Period

    • Period: Guess who’s back... back again...

    Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?

    Period: I can come back in 9 months?

    Me: Keep fucking singing.

    Today memes

    Emo

    • I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

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    • Asthma

    • My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

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    • Moon

    • Why is the Moon red today?

    The reason why the Moon takes on a reddish color during totality is a phenomenon called Rayleigh scattering. It is the same mechanism responsible for causing colorful sunrises and sunsets, and for the sky to look blue.

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    • School

    • Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

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    • Misunderstanding

    • A depressed kid was stuck on a tree, and a man saw the kid.

    Man: "Hang in there! I'm gonna get some help!"

    Two minutes later, the kid literally did what the guy said.

    RIP Daniel Kyre from Cyndago (July 6, 1994-September 18, 2015)

    Daniel committed suicide five years ago today......

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    • Date

    • I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

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    • Woman

    • I ran into a fat woman today. She said next time, don't hit me. I said I don't think I have enough gas to go around.

    Then the ground started to rumble with every step she took.

    Night

    • Hi 👋 I love 💗 you walk in and out the door 🚪 night. I did not have time today. I was just a little bit and I had to walk home from home after dinner. I

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