Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones so I throwaway the bent ones
Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.
Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzaria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!
I don't understand why when I went to the shooting range today the police came, like bro I always go to elementary schools
my girlfriend dumped me today apparently I don't stand up for her in fights I don't care she use to push me around all the time
Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp. Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.
The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus so he asks his class, “where is Jesus today?”
Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven”
Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart”
Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”
The teacher says, “how do you know this?”
Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bang on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?”
My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.
She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.
I parked in a disabled space today...
...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why? Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
me: calls suicide hotline hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging
i replaced jingle bells with jiggle balls... jiggle balls jiggle balls jiggle all the way! oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!
Today I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled “Pisstiano Penaldo!”
My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.
I lost my drivers license today i hit my ex with my car
John : hi boss it is raining heavily today so I would not be coming
Boss: u stated in ur job application that swimming was it hobby so see u at at 11am
Today is the day of 9/11 and we were in class making jokes and somebody said that’s sad and I was like why and they said “ today is the day the towers went down” and I said just like I did on you mum last night
Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what their doing and the father says: "Well...We're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon. The next day when little Jonny's father comes come Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" HIs father is confused. "What do you mean?" He asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"
Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off”. In the end I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."
