Why did the sperm cross the road? ———— because I put on the wrong sock today.
Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.
RIP Stephen Hawking who was buried today... he did always love black holes.
Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."
She said, "Who's there?"
I said, "I Eat eat my mop."
She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."
Motivational Quote for today: If you're feeling tired and ugly today, cheer up, you probably won't feel tired tomorrow morning...
Today when I looked in the mirror, I stopped and simply said: "It's ok, what's inside matters the most, right?"
Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.
Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?
Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.
Orphan: Why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.
Let's take a look at the Swedish bench for today's game. $12.99 from Ikea.
It was so cold out today believe it or not, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Welcome to the Fast Food Divorce Center where yesterday's lies are today's fries.
"Poor old fool," thought the gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. He invited the old man inside for a drink.
The gentleman asked, "So how many have you caught today?"
The old man replied, "You're the eighth."
I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.
My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.
I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.
It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.
Today I was at PE, and I saw a kid in a wheelchair. I threw a basketball at him, and I yelled, "Rocket League!"
I wrote an essay today about Africa, and I FAILED even though I wrote a perfect rendition of the Hunger Games storyline.
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
Today I put the women’s rights book in the fantasy section of a library.
Today, I was at the Apple Store when I saw that a lot of phones were broken. When I looked around, I saw none other than Pristiano Penaldo smashing all the phones. He said he was mad because he ghosted vs a relegation team. Shame on you, Penaldo!
