Today jokes

My nan broke her toe on a brick today. Last time she broke her toe because she kicked her car tire. Does that now mean I have to tow her back to the doctors?

Dad: What did you learn in school today?

Timmy: Not enough, I guess, 'cause I gotta go back tomorrow.

Be grateful:

You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

Period: Guess who’s back... back again...

Me: Ugh, can we not do this today?

Period: I can come back in 9 months?

Me: Keep fucking singing.

What time is it when you can walk home from school today and walk?

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

Want to know what Juice WRLD would do if he were alive today?

Frantically scratch on the inside of his coffin.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

Roses are red, violets are blue, You missed your lesson today, so you are gay.

What is the difference between a human and a magic house?

To the Earth, is the human body of the human being human? Is it human? Human can be the one day today after the night is the snow time and a.

Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!

Too bad it's a dying trade. :)

They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

I saw a cyclist in the road today, so I ran over him and he said in a robotic voice, "SHUTTING DOWN!"

Today, I had an exam in school. When I was done, I raised my hand and yelled, “Pisstiano Penaldo!”

My teacher smiled and took my paper. She knew I was finished.

I did a ton of work today, a skele-ton.

I wrote an essay today about Africa, and I FAILED even though I wrote a perfect rendition of the Hunger Games storyline.

Today I told my sis, "Knock knock."

She said, "Who's there?"

I said, "I Eat eat my mop."

She said, "I eat mop poo instead of who."

Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.

He was fired from his job.