Today there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there. When he was done, he had realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives. condoms 99 percent effective birth controll 99 percent effective ect just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time ( only cost 20 years in jail ;)
I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dads friend and I would take him home, he just curled up into a ball and started crying, kidnapping must be easy.
Jerry Garcia: I’m going on a TRIP today! Bob Weir: Where are you going? Jerry Garcia: I’m already on it. 😯🦄🌈
Have a great day today
What did a tree 🌳 I do for a human rights rights day at a tree 🌳 I had no time today after a night night with you today but you walk away
One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A polise officer said," Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said," I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said," I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
Today a girl asked me do how big is your dick so I said how big is your pussy and she said come over to my house and find out
will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today! beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that! will: Yey! beverly: What should we bring him? will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* come in the bucket!
Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: Your hair color is fabulous. Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Go back to sleep.
Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Woman: I hate you.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Today i went to get a sub and they asked me if i wanted all vegetables.. I said no, leave some for the rest of the customers.
Today is the day, time for more jokes!
my job is so amazing. today a man asked me to check his balance, so i pushed him over. his balance isn't good
I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked where’s your parents she said gone my dad when to go get the milk and never came back and I said oof
I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said “don’t bother sweeping him son, hes been dusted for years” I was shocked but not surprised.
What do you say to your pet when your super tired, slow, and worn out?
I'm totally dogging it today...
I was dying when i called my sister and she said "Hi this is pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic your loss our sauce how may i help you today."
I did a walk today but it was so much better and a walk home 🏠 I had dinner 🍴 night was good fun at home 🏡 night was good night night I was a little off but you were so fun to be a night
Hi 👋 I love 💗 you walk in and out the door 🚪 night I did not have time today I was just a little bit and I had to walk home from home after dinner I
