Time jokes

What age is served for breakfast?

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

Joe mama's so fat, her belly button gets home an hour before she does.

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

Your hairline is so far back that even my dad wasn't fetching the milk back then.

Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.

Friend: Why?

Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.

Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."

Your children grew up faster than it took you to leave for the milk.

What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?

They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.

What’s 23 times 2?

A potato.

One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.

Gwen, let's chat at night for about 1 hour! I want to get to know each other better!

P.S., it's Jake.

Why did the question come to life? Answer: The adding, subtracting, times, dividing by, and equals signs came to life and squished pages.

What do a blonde chick and a field of wheat have in common?

They're both bound to get plowed at some point in time.

Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.

What did the blonde say when someone says, "Your baby is so cute?"

"For the last time, I don't want to sign up my child for Tindergarten just yet!"

If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette, he will be warm for a short time.

But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash, so now he's warm for the rest of his life.

What kind of shit does a ghost take every time? A spooky dookie!

I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!

Why does an orphan only have 363 days in a year? Because they don’t have mothers' and Father’s Day.