Time jokes
Time flies by, doesn’t it?
But the plane in 9/11 didn’t.
One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.
I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.
911 happened a while ago and it's slowly losing its fame.
Time for a remake!
My friend in a wheelchair is autistic and tried to fight me, so I said: "If you wanna fight me, I'll run up the stairs, and by the time you get up the stairs, I'll already be down the stairs waiting," and he started crying.
On a scale from 1 to America, how free are you this weekend?
Hey Siri, skip to Friday!
Five more days.
Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing!
I think about my life, and then I think about death. I prefer death. If you ask me, life is just a time when you die. Basically, death is life, meaningless 0-0.
One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.
What kind of shit does a ghost take every time? A spooky dookie!
I can't believe what just happened. I was at the bowling alley having a great time with my girlfriend when suddenly a man took all of our bowling pins! I asked him why and he said he needed more tapins to keep his career relevant. I instantly realized it was Penaldo!
Why does an orphan only have 363 days in a year? Because they don’t have mothers' and Father’s Day.
Your hairline is so far back that even my dad wasn't fetching the milk back then.
What age is served for breakfast?
A special quote: “I was gonna slap that girl into tomorrow!”
Ur mama so fat she needs two watches because she's in different time zones.
What do you call an Emo in the hanging gallows?
Happy for the first time.
Me: Y’all should start calling me 1943.
Friend: Why?
Me: 'Cause I’m going through my own Great Depression.
Your mom is so fat that when she went to the dentist, the man said, "One at a time."