Time jokes

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

Gas is expensive nowadays.

In the 1940s, they got it for free.

Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Why are Indians so good at football?

Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?

First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:

"The canons be ready, Captain!"

"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!

Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...

It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.

I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.

I had a good time with friends!

Yo mama is so fat, when she nocliped into the backrooms, she was in level 0 and level 999 at the same time.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.