Time jokes

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

Gas is expensive nowadays.

In the 1940s, they got it for free.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

Why are people in Japan so thin?

Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.

Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.

Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!

Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝

“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"

Why is it annoying to eat by basketball players? Because they dribble all the time!

Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.