Time jokes
When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.
Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
Why is it annoying to eat by basketball players? Because they dribble all the time!
Everybody was kung flu dying.
It traveled as fast as lightning.
2020 was expert timing.
In fact, it was a little bit frightening.
What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?
"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.
I had a good time with friends!
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
"When is the best time to commit suicide?"
Ate a Glock in the morning.
Yo mama is so fat, when she nocliped into the backrooms, she was in level 0 and level 999 at the same time.
Why are Indians so good at football?
Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.
I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’
I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’
My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.
Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...
...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.
One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.