Time jokes
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
I had a good time with friends!
Why do Pirates say "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"?
First time out at sea, they prepare for battle and say to their commander:
"The canons be ready, Captain!"
"Are," says the Captain (correcting their grammar).
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" they all exclaimed!
I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a waste of time.
My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!
*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*
"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"
Why are Indians so good at football?
Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.
Yo mama is so fat, when she nocliped into the backrooms, she was in level 0 and level 999 at the same time.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’
I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’
Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.
The lady says, "Come again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.
Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!
My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.
Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...
Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"
Spiderman: "Yes."
Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."
Spiderman: "Why?"
Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."
Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝
“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”