People are like trees...
They fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
Time Jokes
Say "toast" three times. Spell "toast" three times. What do you put in a toaster? The answer?
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.
Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?
He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
It was pornography class, and there was a break.
Two adults were "having a good time" till the teacher says...
Teacher: Hey! SAY ALL THE NUMBERS TO 10,000 NOW!
Adult 1: How about I say my ABC's?
Teacher: Go ahead, I guess...
Adult 1: A B C E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Teacher: Where's the D?
Adult 2: Inside me...
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
If chickens wake up when the rooster crows, then when do ducks wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
Kid: Why do orphans like tennis?
Dad: Because it's the only time they get "love."
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman βyou're an ugly bitch.β
The mother grabs her son and says, βIβm so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
Say what you want about Hitler, at least he got the trains to run on time.
Yo mama so slow, she took nine months to make the joke. Thank god mine only took 6.
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
Why donβt Chinese people model? Because it would look like the same model every time.
What's the best time to hang out with an Indian? When your nose is clogged.
What do emo kids like to do in their spare time?
Hanging out.
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
