Time jokes

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Everybody was kung flu dying.

It traveled as fast as lightning.

2020 was expert timing.

In fact, it was a little bit frightening.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.

Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!

Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:

"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"

Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝

“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”

Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Why is it annoying to eat by basketball players? Because they dribble all the time!

What did the momma grape say to the pappa grape?

"Raisin' our kids is usually pretty fun, but sometimes they get sunburn and I have to take them to the doctor for dry skin."

Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

Person A: What do you call the dangly bit of an octopus?

Person B: Tentacles?

Person A: Ok *tickles person B ten times*

My boy, I think it is about time that I leave this world. Now draw your weapon and kill me now!

*draws a picture of his "epic" sword*

"What... WHAT... WTH ARE YOU DOING SIMPLETON? I DIDN'T MEAN THAT KIND OF DRAW!"