Time jokes

Being raped is like a dance; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts more.

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

Dagger. This is to get your attention, for Dagger Jr. and I. We'd like to speak with you, and possibly Lynx, if we can find a time to all talk.

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf...

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

Yo mama is so fat, when she nocliped into the backrooms, she was in level 0 and level 999 at the same time.

Why are Indians so good at football?

Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."