Time jokes

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

I’m trying to find out what IDK means. Every time I ask someone, they say, "I don’t know."

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?

A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

Can anyone answer this riddle? Apparently this is the world's hardest riddle! Good luck 😝

“I turn polar bears white, and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee, and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid, and normal people look like celebrities.”

Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.

We sped up the cycle of life and death, we gave Eric and Dylan a shortcut.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!

When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.