Time jokes

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

I’m trying to find out what IDK means. Every time I ask someone, they say, "I don’t know."

Being raped is like a dance; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts more.

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

Using modern day technology you can produce music with a Tesla coil. I don't know if you heard it, but it is quite shocking and even electrifying. I can't tell if it is metal or techno, but it is more valuable than joules. It really amps up your blood pressure and has you saying watt the whole time. It is way better than current music.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?

A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

What’s something you can say about vacation, but not about your girlfriend?

Next time I’m bringing all my friends.

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

Why don’t old people have sex?

When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?

"When is the best time to commit suicide?"

Ate a Glock in the morning.

Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."

Gas is expensive nowadays.

In the 1940s, they got it for free.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.