Time jokes

Sunday. Monday. Tuesday. What the fuck? Saturday.

I wonder if the sun is going to rise every morning. Then it dawns on me.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:

"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

Why are Indians so good at football?

Each time they get a corner, they open a shop.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

Your ma is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

Gas is expensive nowadays.

In the 1940s, they got it for free.

Guy: "Can I tell you a joke?"

Spiderman: "Yes."

Guy: "You only have 11 months on your calendar."

Spiderman: "Why?"

Guy: *holds up knife* "Because I murdered May."

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Your hairline is so far back it was friends with the dinosaurs!

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.

Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...

It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.