Time

Time jokes

Lie clock

    • A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

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    • Time memes

    Vampire

    • Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”

    The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”

    “Hot water?”

    “I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”

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    • Hitler

    • My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

    I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

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    • Calculator

    • Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator.

    Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222), so she went to the doctor on 51st street (6922251), and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)

    Boobless.

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    • Baby

    • What starts with M and ends with carriage?

    This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

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    • God

    • When God made Chinese, he said, "DON'T LOOK!" and the Chinese said, "Why?"

    And God replied, "You won't want to be fruitful and multiply if you saw where you are putting that thing."

    It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

    When God made White Man, he said, "NEVER SHUT YOUR EYES!" and the white man said, "Why?"

    And God replied, "You need to keep an eye out for the Chinese, one day they will out number you."

    It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

    Then the white man said, "There is a white genocide!"

    And the survivors of the Holocaust said, "All these Europeans killed each other, so a white genocide is accurate. White killed white."

    Then the Chinese said, "Thank you, we take your land now."

    And the Jews said, "But we are God's chosen people!"

    And the Chinese said, "Yes, every time God show up you get bullied! You might want to worship someone else!"

    And the Jews said, "Why are you Chinese so lucky, you can't even see, you blind!"

    And the Chinese said, "Jesus say be in the world not of the world, so don't go looky looky at the world then."

    It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

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