Someone asked me, "What are them scars on your arm?" I thought I was playing a violin.
Your mama is so fat, when I think of her in my head, she just broke my neck.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.
I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick. Get your head out of the gutters... Jeez!
Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.
On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."
My fortune cookie said, "Your existing plans will succeed." Not necessarily, since I'm suicidal...
We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.
But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.
Someone went to fly and thought of pizza.
I got arrested for raping a girl. Its so unfair, i really thought she was dead.
Yo mama so ugly when she played Five Nights at Freddy's, they thought that she was already in an animatronic costume.
Yo mama so stupid, she made Patrick run away because he thought it was contagious! 🤣
Are you suicide? Because you are always on my mind.
There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Kobe Bryant survived the plane crash.
My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?
Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.
1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.
If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.
