Thought jokes

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.

I thought when my friends called me curvy, it was a compliment, but it turns out they were referring to my spine.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

Yo momma so delusional, she thought your grandma's Venus flytrap was Audrey II.

Yo mama so Irish that she thought the Chicago Shamrox were a Quadball team.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.

My first thought when I read Betty Pear's obituary was, "Thank God for Alzheimer's!"

I locked Terri Schiavo in the freezer.

Hey, I thought that's where you were supposed to put vegetables!

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

Q: Why didn't Jeffery Dahmer eat comedians?

A: He thought they tasted funny.

"Oh, you’re still talking? I thought background noise was supposed to fade out after a while. Must be tough waking up every day knowing your personality was a failed experiment."

Violets are red, so is your face. I thought I was ugly, but then I saw you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I thought someone else was ugly, but then I saw you.