Thought

Thought jokes

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My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.

Your forehead's so big, when you were being born, the doctors thought you had no face.

On my Tinder profile, I said, "I prefer quality over quantity." I just thought it sounded nicer than saying "no fat birds."

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

Yo mama so ugly when she played Five Nights at Freddy's, they thought that she was already in an animatronic costume.

Yo mama so stupid, she made Patrick run away because he thought it was contagious! 🤣

There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.

1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.

If I don't find a reason to live soon, my ceiling fan isn't the only thing that's gonna be hanging from my ceiling.

The parents who left their kids on the side of the road should have thought twice and got an abortion.

A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding...

...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.

"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn around,' if you know what I mean. If that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, do not feel pressured to say yes."

The bride thanked her mother for the advice, and the wedding continued. That night, as she and her husband consummated the marriage, she was mildly surprised to learn that he never asked her to 'turn around.'

They spent a beautiful week together on their honeymoon and made love many times. But still, to her mild surprise, her husband never asked her to 'turn around.'

Their one year anniversary arrived, and they made love to celebrate the milestone. But again, to her mild surprise, the husband never asked her to 'turn around.' This continued for years: their second anniversary, third, fourth...

Finally, on their fifth anniversary, her husband started getting romantic with her in bed and said, "Honey, we've been married for five years. I was thinking we maybe try something new. I thought this time you could 'turn around,' if you know what I mean."

She replied, emphatically, "No! No, I do not do that, I am not that kind of woman!"

Without getting defensive, her husband simply said, "That's all well and good, honey. But I thought you said you wanted children?"