Think Jokes

A proud new dad sits down with his own father.

His father says, "Son,you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.

The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi, Honoured, I'm Dad."

My Infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

I find all these obese jokes horrible.

Don't you think they have enough on their plate?

What starts with s and ends with erm? SuperM. This means both matrix and master so take out the u and then you just get master. When you think of sperm you think of porn. If your a master at something your also a star at it. So you get porn star.

I tried to think of how lighting works.then it struck me.

So I was at a funeral the other day and it was a school shooting mass funeral, and the lady beside me asked me, “ what do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “ How dare you you have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “well they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”

If I was an object in this world I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an Ex streamly powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shity book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape but the more they try the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety

Help me....

So a Irish man is walking his poodle and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints. So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says sorry you can’t go in. The Irish man says why can’t I go in? Well you have a dog sir and that sign over there says no dogs aloud your going to have to leave him outside. Well the Irish man thinks quick and says. I’m blind it’s a seeing eye dog. The owner says that’s ridiculous a seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that. The Irish man says well what kind of dog did they give me??😂

Why do Black people not like country music? Because every time they hear hoedown, they think their sister got shot

in the hospital i saw a girl with cancer trying to sleep the icu was going beep beep beep i think thats why she cant sleep so I turned it of shes asleep forever now nighty night

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep-? Me: I have depression what do you think-?!

Lynx Africa is based on a nice smell . Do you think Lynx England would smell like Stella and disappointment ?

I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple

Some people say I'm rude but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I seen this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were I just love looking at an orphanage

Me to an orphan: If you had a penny for everyone who loved you, i dont think you'd have any The orphan: But why? Me: Because if someone loved you they wouldn't have thrown you out.

My girlfriend asked my whether I was having sex behind her back and I replied "yes who did you think it was".

Kid: my parents want to meet you, you wanna come over. Orphan: Na I’m good, I’m going to watch home alone, it’s the only movie that I can think of that’s related to me.