Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.
They Jokes
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
When you call the Middle Eastern suicide hotline, they ask you if you can fly a plane.
Nobody notices your pain, tears, struggles, but why do they notice your mistakes?
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
An orphanage got robbed yesterday. Let's just say that's the second worst thing to happen to those orphans. At least they didn't end up like their parents.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Pennywise: "They all float down here!"
Titanic: *hold my beer*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all beat the room for being black.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave the little kids' room with empty sacks.
