They jokes
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys.
Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
What is the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.
What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?
They never get old.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
What do Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common? They both get turned on by kids.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Pennywise: "They all float down here!"
Titanic: *hold my beer*