They jokes
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just sit in the dark and cry.
What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"?
They never get old.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all beat the room for being black.
I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
What do Michael Jackson and a Playstation have in common? They both get turned on by kids.
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
Say what you want against pedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.