I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
I laughed at their chalk outline.
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.
Why do orphans play GTA? So they can be wanted.
What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
Why is the USA bad at Clash Royale? 'Cause they already lost two towers.
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.
There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.
How did the orphan become famous? They said, "Go big or go home."
where do suicide bombers go when they die? everywhere!
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone "father."
