Why can't skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"
The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."
My grandfather was there when the Titanic sank. He shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they finally kicked him out of the movie theater... haha
I conducted a survey. I asked 100 women what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said, "How the fuck did you get in here?" 😂😂😂
I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.
What do TVs and girls have in common?
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
They should add an eleventh commandment to the Bible:
Thou shalt not f... altar boys.
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.
The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."
Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."
Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."
What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.
Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class.
Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down inside they want some too.
What did Hitler and Usain Bolt have in common?
They both finished the races.
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?
A: They tend to crash and burn.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
Nobody notices your pain, tears, struggles, but why do they notice your mistakes?
