Theft jokes

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "You forgot the remote!"

The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.

A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

I don't have any now.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.

How do you make antifreeze?

You steal her blanket.

A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.

He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."

One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

What do you call an otter video game that is about robbing?-

Grand Theft Otter!

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.

Why did Marx never drink Earl Grey?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?

He was stealing all the samples.

Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.