I know a Chinese joy rider, Tommy Tookamotor.
I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?
I was studying in Turin, and my professor told me I had to use PENS only.
I looked in my bag for pens, and they were GONE. I looked at the surveillance footage and saw that CRISTIANO PENALDO stole ALL MY PENS. I was fuming. Shame on you, Penaldo!
Why did the Polish Roman Catholic priest remove zippers from the pants of gay men in the LGBT community?
Because he lost his key to his house and he was desperate to get back inside of his house and he thought that one of keys to their zippers would be able to unlock the door of his house.
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."
Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?
So he could make a clean getaway!
Why cant Orphans steal bases? Because they cant find home.
Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."
We were so poor my dad would give me a penny not to eat supper.
I'd put it under my pillow and while I was sleeping, he would come in and take it. In the morning, he would holler at me for losing the penny.
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
Whoever took my dildo,
I hope you're having a good time.
Whoever took my anti-depressant pills,
I hope you're fucking happy.
Once a naked woman robs a bank, but sadly, no one can remember her face...
Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.
To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
