Theft jokes

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?

Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.

Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?

Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.

Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.

A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.

The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.

Man: What's up?

Me: I'm annoyed.

Man: Why?

Me: I stole my gf's heart.

Man: So why are you annoyed?

Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.

Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?

A: You can't find your dog.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."

Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.

And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.

And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"

Why did the vegetable go to jail?

He kaled a man and stole a 9-carat gold bar.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both had Bacardi rum. When Jill's was gone, she wanted Jack's, that's why she took it from him.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?

Your dog is gone. ;)

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.