Theft jokes
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles. Once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, the snail said, "I don't know, it all happened too fast!"
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
What do you call an otter video game that is about robbing?-
Grand Theft Otter!
Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?
Because he told the man to put his hands up.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.
Why did Marx never drink Earl Grey?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?
He was stealing all the samples.
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.
Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.