Theft jokes

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.

"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."

Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?

So he could make a clean getaway!

Why can't orphans steal bases?

Because they can't find home.

Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

We were so poor my dad would give me a penny not to eat supper.

I'd put it under my pillow and while I was sleeping, he would come in and take it. In the morning, he would holler at me for losing the penny.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

Whoever took my dildo,

I hope you're having a good time.

Whoever took my anti-depressant pills,

I hope you're fucking happy.

Once a naked woman robs a bank, but sadly, no one can remember her face...

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

Somebody stole my joke.

So I stole their spinal cord.

Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?

Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.

Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?

Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.

Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.