We were so poor my dad would give me a penny not to eat supper.
I'd put it under my pillow and while I was sleeping, he would come in and take it. In the morning, he would holler at me for losing the penny.
Theft Jokes
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"
Whoever took my dildo,
I hope you're having a good time.
Whoever took my anti-depressant pills,
I hope you're fucking happy.
Once a naked woman robs a bank, but sadly, no one can remember her face...
Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.
To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
I think someone must've poached it.
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?
Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.
Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?
Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.
Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.
I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!
In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"
To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.
A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.
The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
