Theft

Theft jokes

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Someone stole my grass today. I went to the police, and they said: "What's wrong?" I said, "How could you tell something was wrong?" They replied, "You were looking forlorn."

We were so poor my dad would give me a penny not to eat supper.

I'd put it under my pillow and while I was sleeping, he would come in and take it. In the morning, he would holler at me for losing the penny.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

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    • To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.

    Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

    I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

    I think someone must've poached it.

    Ryan: Mother, if you had 10 cookies, and I took 4 away from you, how much do you have?

    Mother: I will still have ten cookies, because I will not give any to you.

    Ryan: What if I forcefully take 4 cookies away from you?

    Mother: I will have 10 cookies and a dead body.

    Ryan and his mother had cookies that day. Ryan took all 10 cookies. He was never seen again. R.I.P Ryan.

    I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

    I thought I told you to lock up when I left this morning. This is why our shit gets stolen all the time!

    In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

    A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.

    The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.

    To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."