That jokes

Autopsy

    • I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

    We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

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    • Melania Trump

    • Question; Why do they call Melania Trump the "Walk-In" Freezer?

    Answer; It's because that is where EVERYONE goes to "Hang Their Meat"!

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    • Puck

    • I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

    She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

    To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

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    • Lamp

    • What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?

    A Jacko Lantern!

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    • That memes

    Cock

    • The man told the women, “Roses are red, violets are blue, you suck cock and you enjoy it too.”

    Then she said that's true.

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    • Mile

    • Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

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    • Guy

    • I was 11 or 12 at the time.

    Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

    If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

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    • Dog

    • If a dog is white with black spots, then it is 90% great and 10% guilty because it half way starts crimes and is a mistake to the world and is punished by the white dogs that are full white and not mixed colors.

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    • Period

    • Daughter: So, I got my period.

    Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

    Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

    Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

    Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

    Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

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    • Funeral

    • I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

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    • Nuke

    • Spongebob: Easy now, you try first. Get a jar.

    Patrick: *picks up nuke*

    Spongebob: Patrick, that's a nuke!

    Patrick: Yes.

    Nuke: *boom*