That jokes

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

I wasn't staring at you; I was trying to figure out if that's your forehead or the moon.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

Did you ever think that John F. Kennedy went for a ride in Dallas just to clear his head?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies?

Fetus Deletus!

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

Me: Wanna play 9/11?

Friend: What's that?

Me: It's a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? A USB.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret in a corn field?

Because they are full of ears!

Now that was a corny joke.

And yes, it was rather a-maize-ing.

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

Why was Wacko Jacko willing to write a song for the film Free Willy?

He thought that the film's title was a nice phrase to yell out in primary school playgrounds.

What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?

Ones that contain nuts.

I'm just here to say that I don't approve of political jokes.

I've seen too many of them get elected.