That jokes

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

What does a gay man that is a dumb blonde and who is a prostitute do after he sucks cock?

Spit out the feathers.

I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:

The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"

Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.

The teacher of the ELA class said that whoever answers this next question gets to go home. Then a kid sitting next to the window threw his bag out the window. Teacher asked who threw that, he said, "Me, I'm going home." Before he could move the teacher pointed a ruler at him and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot," he got suspended for asking which end.

Isn't it strange that the LGBTQ flag only has straight lines?

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler.

"Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" "It's Dave!"

"Dave who?"

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"

Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?

A: He rapes D minor.

Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”

How do we know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

Because they found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.

What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?

Caregiver.

Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Surely people would consider putting pedals on wheelchairs so that their arms don't get tired.