The gas prices are going up so much that even Hitler is killing himself.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"
Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”
Isn't it strange that the LGBTQ flag only has straight lines?
How do we know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
Because they found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.
Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.
What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?
Caregiver.
Did you know that statistically, 1 in 10 people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a 10 year old boy with a fat ass.
Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"
Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."
Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."
Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."
Surely people would consider putting pedals on wheelchairs so that their arms don't get tired.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.
Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."
Gf: "I luv u too."
Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."
Gf: "Ah, about that..."
So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
I'm such a perfectionist that I can't even fail an autism test.
What did one iceberg say to the other iceberg as the Titanic went by?
"I'd smash that."
You're so ugly that even Hello Kitty said goodbye.
