That Jokes

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."

I'm just here to say that I don't approve of political jokes.

I've seen too many of them get elected.

What kind of chocolate does a lesbian hate?

Ones that contain nuts.

yes do not forget

Two images showing a toy frog with a missile attached to its back hanging from a red ribbon, like a Christmas ornament. The text on the image says: "it's that time of the year again, don't forget to hang your missile toads"

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.

What do you call disabled people that follow politics?

A special interest group.

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

What's worse than depression & suicide?

Easy: LIVING. Everyday you wish you were dead but then reality hits you in the face that you're still alive and have to suffer living.

Pretend or not pretend, we have to decide everyday even if we don't pretend no one will notice :) no one ever does :). Living is the problem to everything. We get depression cuz of it and so much. Why can't we just die :)?

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"

People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?

That awkward moment you try to relate to Batman by killing your parents.

Once I saw a mirror... and that was when I got the ability to become a ghost.

If a fly loses its wings, is it now a walk? Wait a minute, I found out a mind blower. So the 🌎 is the 3rd planet from the sun, doesn't that mean all countries are called the 3rd country of 🌎? If I get 10 likes, I'll do one mind-blowing fact daily.

Your mom's so fat that One Punch Man had to take two punches.

Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.