That jokes

Waiter: "Here you go, one medium-rare steak."

Me: "I like it well done."

Waiter: "Thanks, that means a lot!"

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

What do you call a dude that is always high and gets higher than everyone else in the family? The alpha pothead!

9/11 2001... that day was fire🔥

Your mama is so stupid that she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.

Your forehead is so big that it said, "To be continued."

What's worse than a dead baby?

A pile of dead babies.

What's worse than that?

One's alive at the bottom.

What's even worse than THAT?

It eats it's way out.

Wait it gets worse...

It goes back for seconds.

Just one more I swear...

It fucks one of it's siblings at the bottom.

Grandma: You guy's generation is on too much technology.

Kid: Well, you're the ones that raised us.

Other family members: ...

Everything is now so expensive in Africa that witches don’t serve food in dreams again. Am I lying? Okay, when last did you eat in your dreams?

Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The Constitution says you do, and so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent, and that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!

My dad died in 9/11, and that was the second worst thing that happened to me with a plane, next to Soul Plane.

Your forehead is so big that you can see the whole world before you do!

I bought my son a trampoline. That little a**hole stayed in his wheelchair the whole day.

I should name my dog Ariana Grande.

That way I could say that I fucked Ariana Grande.

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

Yo mama so fat that if we cut her open, we could stop world hunger.

What do you tell twins that are in love with each other?

Go fuck yourselves!

Mr. Smith lived in an apartment. In the apartment, he went to the elevator and went to the 16th floor. Then he went to the 21st floor by 5 stairs every morning. Why did he do that?

Because he was too short! So he pressed the highest button he could and walked to his apartment.

POV: 11:07 PM At night, reading these when you notice that, like everyone else, you have no life.

It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.