That jokes
We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.
Your mom is so fat that she only knows three letters, which are "KFC."
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
Friend 1: I don't want to jump.
Friend 2: Me neither.
Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.
Friend 1: *jumps*
Friend 2: *jumps*
Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!
Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.
What do you do when a French kid steals your pencil?
Load your MP-40 and tell him that you give him a history lesson on WWII.
Did you hear about the emo kid that tried to high-five a tree? It left him hanging.
Imagine you go to school, right? You hit the curve, the bus driver be like, "Ahhh, how do I stop the bus?" Students from the bus jump from the windows. One of the students: "That's a YOU problem."
I used to look up to my mom, but now that I am 12, I look down on her.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
What starts with M, ends with arriage, and is every guy's favorite thing? Miscarriage.
That one never gets old, just like the baby.
What did Tennessee?
Same thing that Arkansas did.
Is that a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself inside them.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
Have you ever seen the clown in Walmart that hides from gay people?
No..... Really?
Hahaha
Grasshole.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
The Chinese food owner always brings us free food. I ask my sister why he does that. My sister said, "Love him long time."
There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.
Your family is so cheap that they won't even pay for the child support to keep you.
Wait, that's me.