That jokes

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

Do you know the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

You're gay.

Bro, I am straighter than the pole that your mom dances on for me every night.

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?

"Stop telling these orphan jokes!! Maybe some people that read these are orphans!"

I'll stop telling orphan jokes when their parents come back.

A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"

Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"

You're so ugly that blind people cry when you walk past them.

Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?

Me: *silence*

Russia is so corrupt that Putin was voted most sexiest man.

Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.

I will always remember my grandma's last words: "What are you doing with that pillow?"

Someone at my school the other day said that whoever killed Hitler was a hero. Who's going to tell him?

I asked my orphan friend to come to my house. He said he was confused because he didn't know what that is.

One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.

She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.

To people who say that depression hits hard...

The car begs to disagree.

What did the cucumber say to the bell pepper that wasn't wearing enough clothes?

You need more dressing.

What do you call a dog that tells the time?

A watchdog.

The person that created the knock knock joke won the Nobel reward.

I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.