That jokes

You: Find a time clock that can change time.

Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?

You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!

Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.

What do you call an animal that knows karate? Moose Lee 😊😁

Why isn’t the word “orphan” spelled with an “f” instead of “ph?” Because that “f” stands for “family,” and the word “orphan” doesn’t have a family.

Did you know that graveyards are the most popular place in the world?

Yeah, people are just DYING to get in there...

What's the last thing that went through Curt Cobain's mind?

His teeth.

I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.

I figured I would steel it and put it on this site. I mean, it was either that, or lose it forever.

I hope Death is a woman.

That way, it will never come for me.

It's been known that Michael Jackson decided to do a song for the soundtrack for Free Willy, because he thought that he would get free willy in exchange for composing a song.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

My friend put an action toy and called it Kobe and put it on a drone. I realized that my friend didn't know how to fly a drone.

I was working at a check-in station for a flight to Riyadh when suddenly I was approached by Benzema, Kante, and Neymar!

At first I was very surprised and curious, so I asked them why they decided to play in the Saudi Pro League and not MLS where GOAT Messi plays. They all smiled and happily replied: "Don't you know, the legendary bench warmer PRISTIANO PENALDO plays there!"

Now I fully understood what they meant! They know that Pristiano is already finished, so winning trophies will be easy for them. I smiled and happily let them through.

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. That sucks when you are adopted.

You're so ugly that blind people cry when you walk past them.

Do you know the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?