Tell jokes

I would tell you a joke about a slice of pizza, but it's really... cheesy. I donut think you will come up with a better pun than this.

Why should you abuse the hell out of an orphan? Because what are they gonna do? Tell their mom or dad?

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

A man walks into a restaurant. The waitress hands him a menu and it says: "Hot dog: $2, Hamburger: $5, Blowjob: $10."

He asks the waitress, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

She says, "Yes, I am."

He tells her, "Good. Can you go wash your goddamn hands? Because I want a hot dog."

Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

A father tells his 10-year-old son...

"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."

His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.

How can you tell if Google is a girl?

It makes suggestions before you finish your sentence!

What do you do when you're sad? Kick an orphan!

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Stop telling orphan jokes before they tell their parents.

Oh wait, they don't have any, please continue.

I would tell you a joke about my dink, but it's too long.

How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?

It's only got 10 hours to live.

How can you tell if your sister is on her period?

Your father's dick tastes funny.

Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?

Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.

|| 20 YEARS LATER ||

Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?

Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.

Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.

Hillary Clinton is elected president...

And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

I was going to tell you a cow joke...

But it's pasture bed time.

A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, "Did you get her number?"

He replies, "No, but it's okay, I'll see her at the next family reunion!"

My mom is a chemistry teacher.

Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.

Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"