Tell jokes
Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!
Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.
"Don't sneeze!"
Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.
Also,
"It dangles and swung!"
Language art quizzes are the best.
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
A man with a drum.
"Well, tell him to beat it!"
Do not tell an orphan family meeting; they wouldn't get it.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.
Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.
You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.
Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.
You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"
I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown.
But the punch line is too long.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
My friend said that gay people existed 10 years ago.
He can tell the future.
How many people fit in a tree?
I don't know, you tell me.
I was going to tell a joke I made up about my vacuum cleaner, but it sucks.
I noticed my friend's hairline yesterday. I could tell it was a Supercuts hair salon haircut, so how I could tell was 'cuz it was super alright, super lame.
A blind kid was talking to me because he was getting bullied...
I told him, "Just tell them what you see!"
How can you tell your best friend is gay?
His meat tastes like shit.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.