Surprise jokes
Guy feels something on his back.
“Oh God, please let that be a rifle.”
“Nope. I’m just real happy to see you.”
I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."
He said, "What do you want?"
I said, "To be your new father."
"Really??!" the orphan said.
Me: Lol, no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
Me: Hey, I’m your mom.
Orphan: Yay, you came back!
Me: Sike!
One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!
My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!
Dad: Hey, uh... you're adopted.
Dog: *frown*
When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.
How do you surprise a blind guy?
Say, "Surprise!"
What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?
They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.
When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,
The present: Laundry.
*gunshot*
Ur adopted.
I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.
This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.
When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.
Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.
To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."
Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
"What the fuck is in this drink?"
Knock knock, Who's there? Dad. You came back?