Surprise jokes
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...
We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?
Kate: Can we have a threesome?
Trevor: Sure.
The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.
I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)
Boy: *scares girl*
Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"
Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*
Girl: What work?
Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
What did Hitler say to Stan after he died?
I did nazi that coming!
Guy feels something on his back.
“Oh God, please let that be a rifle.”
“Nope. I’m just real happy to see you.”
I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."
He said, "What do you want?"
I said, "To be your new father."
"Really??!" the orphan said.
Me: Lol, no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
Me: Hey, I’m your mom.
Orphan: Yay, you came back!
Me: Sike!
A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"
Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.
To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."
Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
When I have sex, my girlfriend screams, especially when I walk in on her.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
"What the fuck is in this drink?"
Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."
Who was most surprised by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide?
Jeffrey Epstein.
I don't get people who treat you like shit and cross your boundaries, then are surprised when you have depression.
It's because of them after all. 🥰✨️