My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
My mom said you failed school. I said, "Don't be surprised, I'm a retard, Mom."
I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!
A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"
When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.
What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman
Kinder egg surprise
So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.
He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.
*New teacher walks in* New Teacher: Hi there, class. My name is Mr. Willy. I will be your math teacher.
*Me in shock, "Willy"* Me: Willy Wonka, is that you?
What did Hitler say to Stan after he died?
I did nazi that coming!
Once an orphan purposly fell out of a tree, he forgot his parents wouldnt catch him
My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Wakanda? Wakanda who? WAKANDA ENDING IS THIS?
9/10/01
Bush: “Ok, I got this. Just act surprised and pretend to be sad and declare war on Afghanistan.”
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"
What do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?
A Peking duck.
Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.
I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?
I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.
Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.
Sayori: *dies*
Monika: "You kinda left her hanging... 😊"
MC: "😨"
