Surprise jokes

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.

Sally has no arms. What did she get for Christmas? I don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.

What do you call a surprised Chinese man?

Answer: Ho Lee Fuk.

We have some leak in the fridge. I'm surprised nobody has called a plumber.

Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long for people.

There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."

(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gonna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘re re‘ and you're like ‘re re’ yourself, motherfucker, and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SURPRISE, the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

I had a friend who got shot in the head.

Guess you could say he was...

Blown Away!

What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...

We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.

My sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said, "Pick one."

Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?

Kate: Can we have a threesome?

Trevor: Sure.

The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.

I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt, and guess what's inside it!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked at me surprised.

(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)