Surprise jokes

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Old woman: You are such a darling child. Please come and see me again next year.

A year later, as child walks up to the door of the old lady's house...

Old woman: Oh my! Goodness sakes, child! Have you grown, or have I shrank???

Child: Both.

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

I go to get my mail.

Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

It's quite ironic that people tell you "Happy Birthday," then they want to give you a spanking.

This morning I woke up, then took a bath with some chocolate mud. At first, when I turned the damn flossers on, I noticed it wasn't water. It was all chocolate mud, and now my body is all chocolatey.

What do you say when a person trips?

You say, "Why you trippin'?"

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.

Mom: I was an orphan once. The kid: Oh, ok, idgaf. Mom: And you're gonna be too! :) The kid: Ok, idgaf- WAIT WHAT THE FU-

Jace: Haha, I won, dude. You suck at Monopoly!

Timmy: Let's play another game. *GUNSHOT* I guess I won!

Jace: *SCREAMS IN PAIN*

Timmy: What? I thought we were playing Chutes and Ladders!

When I say, "Daddy," my stepbrother raises his head.

I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!

Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

This guy called anonymous said he's going to own me like he did my mum. Joke's on him, I have two dads.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!